A Treatise on Over-Engineering in 2025
By: Beaviss
It’s no secret that I love tech. I need tech. I eat, sleep, and dream in the Matrix. As I’m sure you know (unless you live under a rock, sipping wheat tea and pondering the origins of space and time) the current DARLING of Silicon Valley is Artificial Intelligence™.
It’s a great step forward in computing, sure. But like every good invention, it’s birthed a horrifying litter of “disruption” babies: overhyped, undercooked, and straining under the weight of buzzwords like “synergy,” “AI-native,” and “machine learning-enhanced synergies.”
We’re now deep in the era of Contrived Reasoning Contraptions… software that’s allegedly “smart,” but mostly just finds dumber ways to do simple things.
The Gospel of Dumb
“Any app made in the last 10 years, is a good candidate for an AI-augmented version.”
– A real tech journalist, apparently sober, which shall remain nameless
When I read that line in a tech article, I took a heavy swig of coffee just so I could do a spit-take with theatrical flair. This mindset is spreading like malware in a Windows XP email client. It’s the idea that AI can, and should, be stapled onto literally everything.
Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. That’s not innovation. That’s desperate rebranding with a side of code bloat.
We Are Already Dumber
There’s this adorable belief that AI might someday erode our critical thinking.
Might.
Honey, it already did.
I’ve seen people ask ChatGPT how to boil water. I’ve watched YouTube channels built around AI tools that generate fart noises, journal entries, and even dating profiles, so you can outsource your entire personality and just vibe on autopilot.
“It’s like… emotionally mature, but like… efficient.”
– A real person, explaining why they let ChatGPT write their breakup text
Old Man Yells at Smart Cloud
I remember when software solved real problems. I sound like a curmudgeon, I get it. But there’s something beautiful about a tool that actually works without needing 14 microservices and an OpenAI API key.
Even dumb ideas had their charm back then; if they solved real problems.
These days? Most “AI-powered” apps solve one problem:
How to burn a seed round before the next bubble pops.
Retro Tech Disasters: The Original Contraptions
1. DigiScents
The dream of smell-o-vision for your PC. You’d load a website and be greeted with the scent of… what? Digital dirt?
Failure Level: Eau de Bankruptcy
(Link)
2. CyberRebate
Pay 10x the price now, and get all your money back later!
That’s not a business model. That’s a con with HTML.
(Wikipedia)
3. Kozmo
A service that would deliver almost anything, anywhere (well, within the boundaries of nine certain cities), for free, within an hour, with no minimum order. It was a slacker’s dream.
Modern-Day AI Absurdities
1. “AI-Powered” Rice Cooker
Zojirushi NP-NWC10/18
(only $585USD)
Learns your rice preferences.
Because “water + rice + time” is just too analog, apparently.
2. AI Toothbrush
Video
Maps your mouth, critiques your brushing, and presumably starts judging your life choices next.
“Your molars are fine, but your priorities are garbage.”
3. AI Shoes – “Moonwalkers”
Video
Shoes that motorize your stride.
Welcome to the age of microdosing cyberpunk.
5. AI Toilet
Forbes Article
Analyzes your, uh, output to track your wellness.
Literally a shitpost brought to life.
Final Flush
I’m not anti-tech. I’m anti-stupid-tech.
There’s a difference.
Slapping AI on every app idea is the equivalent of putting a spoiler on a shopping cart. It’s cosmetic ego inflation that pretends to solve a problem while draining batteries and budgets.
Every tech era has its buzzword cult.
- In the ’90s, it was “interactive.”
- In the 2000s, “cloud.”
- In the 2010s, “blockchain.”
- And now? AI.
(Absolutely Idiotic.)
Let’s save the real breakthroughs for things that deserve it… and leave the smart toilets and chatbot messiahs in the Contrived Reasoning Contraption graveyard where they belong.
